Lost
by iffulovedme
Summary: Tezuka/Ryoma. Character death. At the age of 20, Ryoma is happy living the life of a pro tennis player. Until he hears Tezuka is dead and realizes that somewhere along living his dream, Ryoma has become lost. This time, there’s no one there to save him.
1. Chapter 1

It's Momo who calls you. You're sitting in a hotel room, the day before a match. You don't cry, _can't_. You have a match tomorrow, you have to be in your best shape. You can't spend the night crying your eyes out over an old mentor who you haven't talked to in years. You _can't._

You take a deep breath, trying to steady yourself. You receive six more calls and throw the useless phone across the room when you realize, in horror, that there won't be a seventh. You'll never hear that deep, timber voice again. Not in rebuke, not in fun, not _ever _again.


	2. Chapter 2

You pick up your racket then promptly drop it again. You shake your head, wondering why you think your _red _racket looked _white. _Concentrate. _Win._ It's what _he _would've done. What he would've wanted you to do. Even in death, you can't refuse his silent commands.

And you do win: 6-4. Not even a work out. _Che_, you say to yourself.


	3. Chapter 3

Even the harshest critics admit grudgingly the match was spectacular. Fans say it was the best game of your life. But they're wrong. You walk off the courts knowing better. He could've given you a better game. He could've answered the call of your tennis. But the person across the net couldn't and was lost the moment you showed your Cool Drive.

"Oi! Echizen!"

You turn. Momoshire Takashi, the oh so cheerful Seigaku regular, looks angry. Eiji's joyful face is somber, mournful.

Momo doesn't touch you and Eiji doesn't glomp him like he used to. For two reasons: the media would have a field day and the fans would kill him for daring to harm you. Also, because you can't have anyone touch you like that again. They're not allowed. You won't let them get that close. But the _pain _in his eyes pins you as would his actual hands pushing you against the wall.

"Did you have to do it?" he says quietly, furious. He means the Zero Shiki drop shot, he means the Tezuka Zone, and the Three Doors. You turn away. The answer is yes.

"Mada mada dane, Momo-senpai," you call over your shoulder before going to cool down. You have a match in an hour.


	4. Chapter 4

After the cool down, you practice against the wall. You let the frustration pour out. _Where is he?_ You feel at a loss. He used to give you purpose, a place, a position. But then you left to go pro and his influence faded. All his teachings were washed as the vicious world of the pro circuit cut out all other thoughts. You became jaded, maybe unstable, but it didn't affect your tennis. It made you that much better.

It hurt that much more that your new self could wipe away him but not affect your tennis. It only served to, ironically, solidify your decision to walk away from _that _offer was right.


	5. Chapter 5

_Tennis_.

It was him who showed you it could be your way of life. That it was itself a goal, an aim worth reaching. It wasn't about the opponent, but about the game itself. Maybe you hadn't really learned. After all, it's still about the opponent to you. And the one who you should be facing every time you play.

He gave you everything; he even offered himself but you stuck with tennis. You thought at the time tennis was enough. You were still so young, you realize ruefully, you still didn't fully understand.

But Buchou had and he knew, too, that you had to come to him. He had tossed the ball into your court and you had to perfect your ace return. Only, you never did. And now you never will.

You always thought it was either him or tennis. You never imagined you could have both. You _knew_ tennis, loved it. You respected him, he was _buchou_, but you weren't willing to give up tennis, something the two of you shared. You didn't dare dream that senpai-kouhai relationship could be something more. And then hormones hit and you couldn't stop dreaming of it. But you weren't sure if by his offer he meant tennis, or himself. You should have known it was both, that they were interchangeable. Because it was the same with you. By offering your tennis to him, you had offered your heart, too. But you were still only twelve, hadn't realized the seriousness of your decision, or known the consequences your hesitance would bring. You're still paying for your denial even now.


	6. Chapter 6

It's not until you've won the tournament, announced that it was in honor of your captain, left many people wondering why you remarked that there was only one pillar left now, and made it safely back to yet another hotel room that you allow yourself to break down. To cry. To be weak. To not be the Pillar anymore.

Tennis isn't the same. The match today proved it. There's an emptiness on the other side of the court that hasn't been there before. Singles had never seemed so lonely. Maybe there was something to the Golden Pair's thinking after all. But doubles wasn't for him. And now, tennis wasn't either.

You cry and wonder wildly why you hadn't made him yours when you had the chance. Because now you can't. Because now he's gone. Because now you feel like are once more twelve years old, but this time, without tennis or Buchou to save you.

Buchou would say it was time Ryoma became independent. He could be selfish now. He didn't have to be the Pillar anymore. Unfortunately, the only thing Ryoma wanted was to play tennis against the one who had showed him tennis, and how it could see you free, and what it meant to be alive.

~Fin


End file.
